Tap-dancing on his Grave

Today the corpse of Jerry Falwell was found in an un-raptured state. Since Falwell, a noted follower of Ass-Kicking Billionaire Jesus™ had no known enemies except sausage, natural causes are suspected. Preliminary reports suggest that a wad of irony may have lodged in his heart. Reached for comment, Jesus said:

Today we learned the tragic news that I had taken
Jerry Falwell before his time. Jerry was a tireless advocate of Me, working his whole life to aid the rich, fight science and rationality, end unprofitable peace, and crush tolerance for powerless and oppressed minority groups. Unfortunately he was also an advocate of biblical literalism, and therefore I am reluctant to announce that he will be spending eternity in the Lake of Fire. His secret programs to build the world's largest needle and breed the world's smallest camel have not progressed fast enough to allow this rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. It's in the bible, so my hands are tied.

A visibly emotional Satan held an impromptu press conference

What the Hell? It's no accident this place gets bad press with Christians, but they just keep showing up anyway. What do we have to do to keep these guys out? Seriously, we've had to open up, like, three new levels just to deal with clergy.

Asked if he had any advice for the Rev. Falwell, the Prince of Darkness said, "Guys like him aren't popular here. Keep your mouth shut. And don't drop the soap."